I Need to Digress

It is common to hear people say, “oh s/he upped and off” as though it is something that happens without a moment’s thought.

The truth is usually very different. We just become very good at creating a facade that our friends and family can’t see through. Yes, we learn to lie. We can’t bear the shame of admitting that we have failed. In public we continue our lives as usual.

In private we weep buckets.

Several people asked why I didn’t just go away for a few days on a retreat to rest and recover.

Without bragging I am going to say that I am super bright …. intellectually. However my emotional intelligence at that time was about equivalent to that of an 8 year old. A traumatic occurrence at that time in my life turned me from a happy, carefree child into one who lived in fear. Fear of offending others, fear of getting into trouble, fear of conflict, fear of going against the grain and standing up for myself.

In my early 20’s someone told me to “snap out of my chronic shyness” because being shy was just another word for vanity. I was mortified. True to form I determined not to be shy/vain so I forced myself to do things I was not comfortable doing. In my efforts to become assertive I became aggressive.

Just as a chameleon changes colour depending on where it rests,I morphed into different personalities to suit the situation.

On the outside I was supremely capable while inside I was convinced I was a fraud who was going to be found out at any moment.

I did not like who I had become; in fact I hadn’t a clue who I truly was. A few days in a retreat was not going to fix this.

To face my fears and grow emotionally I needed to go far away where I was responsible for and to myself for the first time in my life. I had to be able to make mistakes and learn from them and then move on.

I could no longer find someone else to blame or rely on others to do the hard things I didn’t want to.

For the first time in my life I decided to keep a journal of my journey. Even now 10 years later when I go back and re-read some of the entries I weep again.

However, I know that I did what I needed to do and I grew immensely through the experience.

Now onto the adventure.